Sleepless Night Thoughts

Last night I couldn't sleep. It was pretty late when I finally went to bed. So many thoughts were going through my head! So many memories. This is just a little of what was going through my head! I Remember.....

I remember way back....hearing dad laughing, singing and telling stories and jokes. Even my memories make me laugh just remembering the good times. Times when mom would blush and say "don't! Don the kids are watching!" as he snuck a kiss before heading off to the farm...When mom would say "let's go out and eat at the farm with your dad" as we made Paul Bunyon burgers with hamburger patties, carrots, and potatoes wrapped in tin foil and packed up the fixings to have a family outing and good time, yes family time that makes me smile even now at those long ago memories. Back in the days when family night was on Wed. and dad would hurry home and I knew we would have a treat after the lesson.

The echoes of laugher are always there in my mind when I look back fondly at my favorite memories. Hiking up Dizzy Rock, sitting around a campfire, making dutch oven, watching a parade, sneaking down to Grandma Christensen's house to play with Suzy, or making divinity with dad. Woven into the memories are the realization that we were a close family at one time. We did love and look out for each other and go the extra mile protecting and defending each other...sometimes from one of our own...sometimes from someone outside the family.... Such as the time when Bill attacked Paula and I went after him and after smacking him across the face with the paint brush ran like crazy, knowing he wouldn't bother Paula after I'd made him so mad...and then Dale came to my defense just when I thought Bill was going to bash the bathroom door in where I was hiding with my heart pounding like crazy thinking I was about to die... Or the time Dale was choking me and Karl hit him in the back with a broom. I don't remember too many in family fights except with Dale...and in those I felt like I was defending and protecting the younger siblings from him trying to be bossy. I didn't feel like it was wrong. I only once remember hitting him because he took the truck I was playing with in the kitchen just because he wanted to play with it and not only did I hit him and kick him but I also said some bad words and got my mouth washed out with soap and mom took my truck away so neither one of us could play with it at the time.

I remember bedtime stories...and sleeping out on the porch on the fold out couch. It was pretty exciting seeing the ball park all lit up and hear the people cheering and honking their car horns at a home run. Exciting. And playing night games! (my children grew up playing night games and I hope their memories of this are as good as mine!)

I remember the time when Dale woke up with both eyes swollen shut because of mosquito bites. I thought how lucky I was to not be allergic to the little pests. I was also thankful to be the oldest. For lots of reasons!

There came a time when my heart was broken by something I overheard. I made promises to my self that when I grew up I would have a loyal heart. Loyal to my family, and loyal to my husband, and loyal to my friends. I promised myself that I wouldn't say bad things about my own children or husband or friends ever to anyone. If I had a problem with one of them...I would go to that child (or spouse) or friend in private and let them know my concerns. I didn't understand backstabbing, lies, manipulation or other equally revolting words and didn't want them to have a part in my life or in my family. I even told my children that if they ever heard me say anything negative about my husband ...or another sibling.... they could call me out and I would owe them $50. Or even if they heard me say a swear word. (although I did give the swear words only a $5 penalty) but Jon was the only one to collect $5 and he set me up when we were reading the scriptures together as a family...I know now that you say "Mormon Donkey" instead of the way it is worded in the scriptures! (My little cub scouts taught me that last week!)

I wanted my dad, who I believe is watching over us even though he is no longer able to speak face to face with us, to be proud of me. I don't want to let him, or my Heavenly Father, down.

When I read the stories about my ancestors I feel like I know them, and that they know me. I admire them for all the challenges that they had in their lives and for their bravery in facing so many unknowns. Many of them left behind their homes, their friends, their businesses. Some were disinheireted because they joined a new church. Some gave their lives as they traveled to a new land in difficult circumstances. Some were beaten because of their faith, and the fact that they would not renounce it. As I read their stories my admiration for them grows. I look forward to the day when I can talk with them, a time when my own trials and tribulations here on earth is over. I think of their footsteps walking across the plains, of the storms in their lives, of the joys and the heartaches, but most of all, of their great example to me of faith and enduring. I want to be an example to my children. I hope that they will know, and their children, and their children's children...of my testimony, of my desire to do what is right, of my faith, and of my great love for my family...including them but also my brothers and sisters, my parents and all those whose blood flows through my veins. When all is said and done I long to hear the words "well done my good and faithful daughter...."

Sometimes no matter what you do, or what you say, there will be those who call out "not true" .... "wrong".....and I have been in those situations where if I gave a child a ride to MIA I was in the wrong for forcing him to go and if I didn't give him a ride I was in the wrong for not taking him....no matter what I said or did it was wrong....it isn't a comfortable place to be... and I did end up with a divorce.

Sometimes in order to defend your own actions you would need to cast a shadow on someone else that isn't entirely favorable. I have chosen to be quiet instead of defend myself at times while things that I knew were not true were being said and even knowing I could "prove" lies to be lies...it didn't make it right to call someone else a liar. So I continue to live my life, the best I can. I try to not judge others for I know that we shall all be judged and we are accountable for everything we do and say. It is not my place to judge or condemn others. I have been told that I must love everyone and forgive everyone. Therefore it is not my place to hold anger, hurt feelings, hate, jealousy, envy, or any of their cousins in my heart. All I can do is to live as I have been taught and do the best I can. I consider my father my teacher and my great example. I want to live as he did and give this life the very best that I have to give.

I am sorry if I have offended any of you, my family and my loved ones. Forgive me my faults and shortcomings.....I try hard but I have faults and I am still human. It is impossible to make it through life without stepping on someone's toes. It is difficult to always be understood....My hope is that you will understand me just a little better...as to who and why I am and what it is that I desire most in life. I want to share my testimony with you...I know that the things my father taught me as a child are true. I love the gospel and am so grateful to have it in my life. I am so thankful for the parents that raised me, for the life lessons that they have taught me. I am so grateful to have Joe in my life. For the good man that he is and the way he lives his life and honors his priesthood.
I am so thankful for each and everyone of the children that have come into my life. Those by birth and those by adoption and those by marriage and those by foster care and those by foreign exchange programs and those otherwise. You each have a very special place of your own in my heart.

Thank you to each of my grandchildren, you buoy me up and bring great joy to my life. I love your parents and hope you know how much I love you.
I am also very thankful for the great friends that I have in my life. Friends are such a bonus that give a wealth and quality and excitement and enjoyment. Understanding, and empathy and enrichment. thank you all of you....Mary